I’ve had this ‘category’ as such saved on my phone notes for months now, and I’ve been avoiding writing about it to be honest *
hides face in hands*.
I’m not going to go into depth about my experiences – nor will I write anything personal, because sometimes the best things are left unsaid, but I will write from my perspective what break-ups are like, the things that you’ll go through that are totally normal and eventually how you will get through it.
I love reading Cosmopolitan and a lot of their tips and ideas on relationships and heartbreak are helpful, but sometimes I sit there thinking ‘no, i’d be going about things completely different to that’ as it’s all personal experiences and the writers perception of how their break-up went and what they did, and I wanna write something a bit more… raw, a bit more real, because I never thought I could fall out of love with someone I loved so much, nor could I ever EVER move on… but I did. It strengthens you so much, but it takes a bit of time before you get to that point. So this post is coming from a real girl, real heartbreak, real moving on.
When you’re in love, like, PROPERLY in love, you can’t ever imagine your life without that person, you just can’t. Then when they aren’t there, you feel empty, and lost, I know now that’s why I’m so reserved with love, because I can’t stand that feeling. That empty feeling when that one person isn’t around, I want to make myself feel whole without them. But when you’re in love, you are quite literally obsessed with them. I always jumped without looking then wondered why I was so worn out and hurt. But sometimes 2 people are more toxic than good for each other, and you just need to let go, you both know it, but you just can’t. Breaking up with them is the hardest thing you think you’ll ever go through. But really, it’s just a learning curve and you’ll realise how naive at 18 you was to believe you would marry that person some day. It just wasn’t meant to be.
You’ll get to that stage where 2 weeks alone feels like an eternity. You know you can’t go back to that one person – it was waaaaay too toxic, it was hurting you too much, it was hurting them too much, yet when you look back, everything you did seems to involve them, everything, bad and good.
You’ll watch TV and something will remind you of them, you’ll listen to a song and you’ll get a heavy dropping sensation in your chest, everything is just… wrong without them. Will it ever feel right?
Yes my dear, it will.
- You feel like you can’t continue with life on your own without them. But, as if by magic, you do. You don’t wake up one day and they’re suddenly out of your mind, it takes longer than that, but it is possible.
You may be in that stage right now whilst reading this where you can’t remember anything in your life without them and your heart legit feels like it’s in 10,000 pieces and it aches. You’ll think who will I cuddle up-to on a sunday? Who will I share my day with? WHO’S GOING TO TICKLE MY BACK UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP?!
Answer: You’ll wake up one sunday morning and automatically grab your laptop and stick Family Guy on without thinking. You’ll look in the mirror and be grateful that you can be the perfect slob on your loansome. You’ll have a section of your bed thats dedicated to snacks, your TV remote, and your laptop and it just feels right. When you break up with someone, you’ll see your friends more which is inevitable because you have a lot more time on your hands. Most people in relationships will put their significant other ahead of friends, as, it’s what we do, and we feel guilty having to cancel plans on our girlfriend/boyfriend. I’m not saying I didn’t see my friends, but my ex was my priority. Now if a friend asks me to go for a drive I will do so without thinking or having to check if I’ve already promised a certain someone a night in. You start slipping back into your single routine and only having to worry and care for yourself which is fantastic! You start to learn how to love yourself again, and it feels amazing to be able to do that. I was in a relationship from being just turned 17 to now nearly 20, and I did lose myself, I wasn’t sure of who I was anymore after it all, but now I don’t feel lost anymore. You do your own thing, you have nobody to answer too, and if a cute boy asks for your number YOU GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER!
You will question yourself, it’s normal, don’t stress. No matter what point your up-to on the break-up list, you will question yourself. Should I have been more kind? Did I say or do something wrong? Should I have been so open about certain things? Should I have been more open? stop.
2) You will doubt yourself, and you’ll start looking back at things. But you DON’T have a perception of love thats impossible. You are worth something. You just got hurt. Your prides a bit shattered. And thats OK.
There’s no innocent one in the party. You both did things wrong. Yes, maybe he did more than you. Yes, maybe she did more than him. It doesn’t matter anymore. The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you’ve come. No you don’t have a perception of love thats completely wrong or impossible, you have standards and know how you should/should not be treated. Your past relationships are an example of what you shouldn’t put up with, or they teach you what you want/don’t want in your future relationships. Don’t feel bad about yourself and never ever let that person put you down.
3) You’ll say mean things about them… and then regret it.
There’s a fine line between love and hate. We never mean what we say when we’re angry at the person we love(d). Try your best to keep those nasty words at bay. We all do it during a break-up, and if you don’t have that big massive screaming argument, it doesn’t feel like you got enough off your chest. If I could go back to last year and take back the mean things I said about my ex boyfriend, trust me, I would. So if you’re at that stage now where you’re still talking or working out what to do, try and not be mean, you always regret it. I know for a fact that the things said about me still hurt my feelings to this day, don’t bully each other, take a step back. (Unless they really do deserve it, then LET LOOSE).
4) You’ll start to look at yourself more when you look back. This is when you start to move forward.
Then you’re going to start looking back at things a bit more clearly. I was impulsive, it’s the way I am, I do things without thinking then automatically regret them, now if I was to do the whole thing again I would take a step back and think. It’s something my Dad is still trying to teach me to this day, take a step back, don’t react and jump in straight away. I do things off the wall when I’m hurt. Don’t feel bad for the way you are, I’m an impulsive person and i can’t change that, but I can try and help myself out and not re-write history again with my next relationship. Once you can see clearly, that’s when you’re able to stop getting angry, and start forgetting. You can make sense of things more, and realise what you want. This is how you grow as a person, we’re always learning new things about ourselves and we’re forever learning how to evolve. Take this lesson in life as a positive.
5) You’ll start to let go and actually be thankful for what it was.
And once you can look back clearer and think straight, you realise it was a good thing and it’s time to carry on with your life. Yes you’re never, ever going to be able to re-write what you had with that person. You can’t simply write over it or go back and try and do it again. You had something amazing, that person made you feel so many different emotions that you didn’t even know were possible. No matter how bitter or shallow it turned out, you once thought that person was going to be by your side forever, and that in itself is a beautiful thing. Don’t look back in anger, don’t look back with regret, just look back and smile. That person was once your everything, you felt so deeply and so much for them, don’t let that turn to hate. It’s easier said than done, but one day you’ll learn that you don’t hate them. You respect them. If you truly ever did love them, you’ll just want them to be happy, and 9/10 that will be without you, and that’s ok.
6) It will feel weird when they meet someone new… and everyone WILL tell you about it.
When you’re starting to move on, you do forget… they’re moving on too. So when you find they’ve got a new girlfriend/boyfriend different emotions will stir up inside of you. It’s not jealousy, it’s not hatred, it’s not regret, it’s not love… but it’s also all those things. Again, from what I said before, you always regret what you say, so don’t take a massive U-turn and start getting angry again, YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT. Yeah you called his new girlfriend a ho, but is she a ho? Would you like it if she called you a ho? No, you wouldn’t, so save your energy and your time. It’s going to feel weird, but so be it, it’ll be the same when you find someone new and he will think ‘this is odd to see’.
6) One day, soon, maybe not so soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll meet someone new 🙂 and it will feel so amazing.
And then the inevitable is going to happen to you. It all starts again. One night you’re going to be stood at the bar, or ordering food, and you’ll get talking to someone new. You’ll feel reserved, you’ll feel petrified at the idea of falling that hard again, but it’ll happen, and you won’t feel like damaged goods anymore, you’re a human who’s loved and lost, and will again and again.